1. Notes: 2 / 3 weeks ago 

    Depressed blog post #1

    EMO POST. Leave now or read some….hmm. Sad shit. Drama. Something I really hate but can’t avoid right now.

    I said this was gonna be my year but the first month totally threw me off =/

    I failed that exam, I keep on getting super depressed, I’ve been nothing but a plastic, I keep hurting my friends, I disappoint my parents and I really really have been hating on myself.

    Don’t get me wrong, there were fleeting moments of bliss but they’re always too short to actually cover up everything else. When those moments leave, I’m just left with this nagging feeling that tells me things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be.

    I tell myself, it’s already good with college. It’s kind of settled that it would be pointless to study in Taft if the Engineering school will be transferred to DLSC soon enough. I tell myself that it’s really okay to lose in these football games since we’re newbies with the whole 11-a-side setup. I tell myself that my parents would still be proud of me and I would make them proud soon after I graduate and I tell myself that my friends appreciate the things I do. I tell myself it’s okay to want nothing for yourself. That it’s actually noble or shit.

    This is the part where I hate….well, me. I don’t know what I want anymore. It’s like I don’t even want anything. Sure I want the usual stuff like parties, sleepovers, money and stuff but nothing that actually matters. Nothing to work hard for and I like working hard. I’m lazy as fuck but wanting things motivate me really well and I like that drive which right now, I have zero ounce of.

    I hate how I depend on other people for my happiness. I’ve lost the ability to just be content or happy. During slow moments of the day, while everybody’s doing what they want I just find myself aimless. Depressing! It’s prolly generous to spend my time doing good things for others but why does it feel like I’m forgetting myself. Not in a selfish way, but like……what happens when their lives are a-okay. What happens to me? Am I just gonna wait for them to need me again for me to actually feel alive?

    That’s why I hate it. I used to be so independent or so I say but this time around I’m crippled. I used to make PMS as an excuse but I am now waaaay over that. WTF is this shit?

    P.S. I’m not saying I let others use me or what. I’m just saying, I invest myself on helping others too much that I forget what it’s like to be normal. No problems, no thoughts.

  2. Notes

    1. crazymary posted this
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I'm pretty crazy. So....you can only get or not get along with me. There's no such thing as in between ;)

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